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Thursday, April 12, 2012

Christian (Cult)ure Classics: Johnny Mac




John Macarthur, or as his endearing fans affectionately call him, "Johnny Mac," is a bit of a cult classic due to his growing status as a cult leader. Like Willy Wonka, he will take you into a world of pure imagination, the world of John Macarthur's Calvinistic imagination.



However, this isn't the good kind of surreal. This isn't a chocolate factory and you aren't being invited to dine with the Mad Hatter. John Macarthur's world is a world of illogical impossibilities, apocalyptic terror, and divine egotism, all with the ironic banner "GRACE TO YOU" hanging over the gates of this dystopian nightmare. And John Macarthur has mixed up a special Kool-Aid to aid you in your journey through this world. To numb your mind and make the insanity easier.


See the resemblance?


Well, that is, if and only if you've been predestined to drink it. According to Johnny Mac, God shuffled his cards at the foundation of the world to sort out who would be vessels of wrath and who would be vessels of mercy. And to make it worse, he (arbitrarily?) decided to make way more vessels of wrath than of mercy. Lucky us.

And yes, it really is an "arbitrary" choice, and not simply "according to his purposes" as the Bible says. If you don't think so, go out and smell the TULIPS. According to the "U" in TULIP, our Sovereign beast of a master chose his ornamental saints according to his "unconditional election," which means he elected us for saint-ship based upon absolutely no conditions. Talk about relativism. And you thought postmodernism was bad.

But it only gets worse. All of those precious vessels of wrath will eternally burn simply for being sloppily made vessels. But Macarthur's Divine Potter is not ready to take the blame for having shaky hands. These vessels will burn forever on the alter of hell as they give off a sweet aroma to the nostrils of the Almighty, like a sweet Levitical offering, and it will all amount to giving him glory. And the vessels of mercy will see his glory and fall on their faces and worship him, the glorious one who showed them the error of their way which was inherited through the man's seed passed down over thousands of years from a proto-human whose will was biased to eat a fruit from the hand of a woman seduced by a cunning serpent.


But how could you resist that smile? Grace to you, my friend. If you're elect :)

Yes, Johnny Mac believes all of these things. But that's not all folks.

Unlike his reformed brothers and sisters, Dr. Macarthur also believes that the entire world will be set on fire. For God so loved the world, he sent down fire from the heavens to burn up all the infidels so that only the Word of God and a few souls of men will endure. The creation really wasn't that great anyway.

But to spare you the pain and time of having to read page after page about what exactly his systematic dispensationalist paradigm of sensationalist end-time glory looks like, I'll simply ask you to Google it. Dispensationalism. Seven Year Tribulation. Uncreation of the earth. Antichrist. John Darby.


That's right. It was this guy's idea.


So may you not drink the Kool-Aid of Johnny Mac's theology. May you always remember and revere him as a frightening and fictitious character in a Stephen King novel and nothing else. Long live cult classics.






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